Tuesday, June 14, 2011

盐蒸橙子治疗宝宝咳嗽

ZT 育儿论坛上妈妈们狂赞的盐蒸橙子治疗宝宝咳嗽,照着蒸了一个,额的神啊,简直就是放倒一切止咳药消炎药啊,昨晚牛宝一整晚都没有咳嗽 准妈妈们也适用哦,绝对比药好用还没副作用!

by abetterworld (诺诺) at 2011.6.14 08:29 (#6740032@0)
用新奇士橙1个不要剖皮,洗净并放盐水里泡15分钟,取出橙子在顶部平切开一片,撒上少许盐再用筷子轻轻捅一捅,是为了让盐渗透到里面去,然后再把切开的那一片盖上
然后放到碗里(不用加水)在蒸锅中蒸15分钟,以水烧开为算。
1 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

夜磨牙

小时候听大人说这是因为小孩肚里有虫,其实这只是个误区,详见内

by diudiulinlin (makeupforever) at 2011.4.4 00:11 (#6599923@0)
<本文发表于: 相约加拿大:枫下论坛 www.rolia.net/f >
夜磨牙(bruxism, teeth grinding, clenching) 是原因特别复杂的现象,我说现象,是因为它甚至不能称作具体的病,科学家至今都不确定它最基础的机理,只推断它跟大脑内XX脑神经结有关。不是故弄玄虚,引起夜磨牙的具体原因不下50种,归根结底就是:只要身体或者心灵不舒坦,都有可能造成夜磨牙,所以夜磨牙习惯是很难停止的,有人极有毅力的天天磨,有人间歇性如阴天下雨,有人甚至神奇的突然有天就再也不磨了。
废话少说,
你家宝宝才4岁,请问,1,是从多大开始发现磨牙的? 2,是极有毅力的天天磨,还是三天磨牙两天休息?3,磨的有规律吗?观察过有没有和什么事物有联系?

-----原因:治疗夜磨牙最重要就是找到原因,才4岁的小朋友,最可能引起磨牙的因素:1,耳朵疼,2, 牙疼,3,牙齿咬合有干扰,就是上下颌咬在一起的时候不顺畅,总有颗高调的牙想要先碰上 4,娃尿了 5,娃渴了 6, 娃换床了不习惯 7,娃紧张了,娃居然都有stress了, 这个因素可太广了:换幼儿园了,怕老师了,和小朋友有矛盾了,和爸妈有矛盾了,看可怕的电视了,做可怕的梦了 。。。8. 睡眠障碍:这样的孩子会总醒,睡不踏实,9.。。。。

-----后果: 4岁小孩即使天天磨,也不会有短期的后果,顶多会把乳磨牙的牙尖磨的平一些,钝一些。 但是,直到大孩子了,甚至到成年了,还长期天天磨,那就问题很大了。会引起咬合关节和肌肉的痛症和活动障碍,头痛,牙齿受损,甚至有些人牙齿的美观都受影响。那时,牙医通常会做个咬合垫( night guard) 让患者睡觉时戴上来人为的把夜磨牙stop住

-----------综上所述,家长多观察,看能找到原因不,对症下药,睡前给小人泡澡,听点轻松的音乐,讲个温馨的故事,可以帮助小朋友放松的睡眠。 短期暂时磨牙没事儿,长期磨牙要concern

-------找谁看病:如果找不出原因,也无法排除原因,孩子仍然长期磨牙,那儿科医生和牙医最好都要看,因为身体上,和嘴里,都有可能会有造成夜磨牙的原因

good luck !

13个月还没出第一颗牙吗?是下面的切牙吗(下门牙)?

by diudiulinlin (toothfairy) at 2011.4.5 15:51 (#6603575@0)
如果13个月了嘴里一颗牙都还没有的话,建议去看牙医,因为平均宝宝是从6--8个月开始出第一颗牙--下颌切牙,不过小孩个体差异很大的,乳牙萌出顺序个体差异比恒牙还大. 但13个月如果还没出第一颗牙,那也算够晚的。

Teething时,最建议的也最安全的解决牙龈疼的方法,是用冻过的磨牙圈/棒,如果伴有发低烧可以服用泰诺,如果牙龈红肿而且宝宝疼的哭不停,也可以用泰诺。如果实在觉得TEETHING GEL有效,也可以非常少量的抹一点,但现在牙医都不太推荐GEL,因为宝宝一旦吞下去副作用很多。

有些小朋友喜欢咬点吃的来缓解,可以用冻过的硬一点的全麦bagal, 因为够硬有嚼头,而且全麦的比白面包对牙齿健康些,不建议给白面包尤其是含糖的饼干小面包晚上含着,因为容易致龋。如果宝宝现在没有牙齿还OK了,但以后有了牙就不要给这些。 关键是不能养成睡觉含东西的习惯

你女儿还吃牙膏吗?可以让她慢慢学习,大人给她示范,或者让哥哥示范怎么刷牙时漱口,争取她换成含氟牙膏之前就学会吐。每次挤牙膏的SIZE不要像广告上那么多,一颗黄豆大小足矣 

对有些孩子,训练他们刷牙是挺头疼的,需要长期的诱导,让他们感兴趣并学习。我提供了有用的视频,希望有帮助

by diudiulinlin (toothfairy) at 2011.4.10 16:05 (#6613666@0)
<本文发表于: 相约加拿大:枫下论坛 www.rolia.net/f >
--他牙黄黄的只是一两颗还是好多颗,如果是后者,尤其靠近牙龈的地方更黄些,很可能是stain. stain的原因是因为刷牙没有刷干净,牙垢形成stain。

--让他参与,不让他害怕:

这么大的孩子,哪怕他拒绝,也应该开始慢慢接受牙刷和牙膏了,可以去商店和他一起挑选他喜欢的卡通形象的牙刷和训练牙膏,每次刷牙让他拿着一个儿童牙刷,刚开始他肯定要放进嘴里玩,因为他不知道怎么刷,所以先从咬着玩开始,这是正常的一个学习过程。然后家长在他玩的时候,再用手指牙刷或者另一把儿童牙帮他刷刷干净,等他不讨厌儿童牙刷了,就开始停掉手指牙刷。暗示他手指牙刷是baby用的,他已经是big boy是大哥哥了

--平时和他做游戏时,可以拿把旧的小牙刷,教他给他喜欢的大玩偶,或者动物玩具刷牙,让他有成就感,知道刷牙是好的,是有趣的

--大人可以和孩子一起刷牙,然他模仿怎么刷,怎么漱口,可以用奖励制,看他喜欢什么,比如教他,如果漱口后能吐到面池里,就奖励一个他喜欢的sticker

--编一套口诀,我给我女儿刷牙的口诀就是“上刷刷,下刷刷,里刷刷,外刷刷,啊--YI(让她牙齿咬在一起)---再刷刷” 听起来比较白痴,但慢慢她就接受这个routine了

--希望这些视频对你有帮助
1. 这是给家长看得:
http://video.about.com/babyparenting/Better-Brushing.htm

2.这是给孩子看的刷牙demo卡通片段,很可爱的:



---另外提醒一句,快2岁的孩子了,如果家长有concern, 就可以早点让孩子接受牙齿检查,不单是检查孩子,家长也可以得到儿童牙齿保健的知识,早点让孩子接触牙医和诊所的环境,他大些后就会更容易接受定期检查和清洁牙齿,而且更在意自己的口腔卫生。
<本文发表于: 相约加拿大:枫下论坛 www.rolia.net/f > 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

KG websites

KG websites:
www.tumblebooks.com - Loads of animated picture books (many favourites including alot of Robert
Munsch), as the words are read they highlight on the screen to encourage students to track the words while
read. There is a cost to this website; however you can usually get to it through the public library for free.
www.abcya.com - Simple computers games that allow students to practice language and math skills. There
is voide instruction for those students who are unable to read the instructions.
htto://www.nationalgeographic.corningyounciexploredindex.html - Simple Non fiction texts in the format of
the national geographic young explorer magazines. It highlights the words while it is being read to the
children. There are also teacher guides that go with the magazines.
This website has a variety of alphabet based songs other related resources such printable lyrics and music
sheets that the teacher can use to play the songs on an instrument.
This website has some interesting ideas on using household items for fun hands on activities for kids. The
website gives both instructions and ideas for various arts and craft and science based projects.
Has a lot of resources for a resonable cost of AUD 19.95.
www.tumblebooks.com is a great website. The students can pick a book online and the computer
will read it to them. It is great to use during centers as a listening center. However you have to
subscribe to this website (although some local libraries have tumble books) this
website:http://info.infosoup.org/tumblebooks.asp has some demo tumble books that you can
view. I personally love tumble books.
This is a great website, my cooperating teaching introduced it to me during student teaching. It
has a lot of wonderful powerpoint presentations on it, as well as great interactive games.
http://www.prescho o lexpress. c om/
This is a great website for all kinds of different resources, it has theme ideas, as well as songs,
stories etc
Little Giraffes Teaching Ideas
I found this site, and as a non-kindergarten teacher, I thought the "themes" section was very
helpful. I looked up March, and then St. Patrick's Day. It shows many different book ideas and
related activities, and cross-curricular ideas. I know this website will be helpful to beginner
Kindergarten teachers as well as experienced teachers. Even if you don't teach kindergarten, I
think this website could be beneficial to all teachers. Any primary teacher could take the ideas
from this page and make it suit their own students' needs.
AlsO under the math section, it shows different math centres. I am a visual person, so I really
like to see other teacher's examples.
This website has a lot to offer. It has many different sections and a lot of educational links. I
really liked the Teaching Tips and Ideas page. In that section is gives little tips for any classroom
teacher. My favourite idea was Birthday Box: Create a reusable, decorated birthday box for children's
birthdays. Inside place several treats, such as candy, pencils, stickers, and a birthday sticker. Leave the box on the
child's desk so he will be surprised on the morning.
I also liked the Hula-Hoop Center: Turn any floor area in your room into an instant learning center. Put a
Hula-Hoop on the floor and place a folder activity and game pieces within the circle. The hoop provides a well-
defined work space which can be moved easily at your convenience. I think young learners would love this
idea. It reminds me of an idea I saw before about having students read in a laundry basket. I like
this idea because it defines their space and it makes them excited about that activity.
The Mailbox
My mom is a retired teacher, and when she was teaching she subscribed to 'The Mailbox'
magazine. It was full of grade specific ideas. On their website, you can find examples of their
magazines and other helpful classroom tools.
If you want to subscribe to the magazine it is $41 per year, however you can get free Online
Bonus Pages. The website also has an Online Community and a Blog.
httpliwww,pgfj-cyrritu.org .uVengivtc-homejytc-ey-home./ytc-ey-md/vtc-ey-md-number
Once you have reached this page, click on "The story of "(the number on which you are focusing), click
on "open this file"
There is a starter activity (like a story, which I have not used) then main sessions and plenary (have used
these). finally, there is a lesson pack... which I have not looked at (we are using the Nelson Kindergarten
Program).
This site is another site I have linked in a smartboard file. It is a numeracy file on numbers 1-10. We
discuss numbers in our whole group lessons and during centre time, I open this SMartboard centre. Each
page in my file is dedicated to a specific number. On that page are 4 different links to the 4 different parts
of this site:
Main Session Part 1 is based on printing the numeral
Main Session part 2 is based on recognizing the set
Main Sessin Part 3 and plenary are based on recognizing the numeral.
I have not navigated around the rest of the site as of yet, but I know the students really enjoy this one (and
reinforce their learning of the concept of numer at the same time!).
This first site is one I use everyday I teach in kindergarten. I have it embedded in my Smartboard Calendar
File. It is set to open to the Public School where I teach. At the top of the screen it says "Georgie
Porgie Public School Weather" (not really my school.... I know I am not supposed to name it). My students
always look at the temperature first (then, on my smartboard file, we set an interactive thermometer to that
temperature.... It has pictures and words set beside the temps so the kids can relate (30 is hot, 20 is
pleasing, 10 is not, 0 is freezing!) This site also has pictures of what they should be wearing depending on
what the weather will be, what the temps feel like before and after school and what the sidewalks and roads
will be like. They also give a short term forecast and a multiday forcast so we can see what our weather
may be like. Our "Special Me" helps us navigate through this site and then, on our Smartboard file, they
graph the weather for the day.
This site is good for the month by month theme ideas that it provides. The creator is a teacher who has
taught for over 20 years. There are plenty of songs, recipes and crafts which are fun ideas to use in a JK/SK
classroom. As well, there are some forms included which would be very helpful to establish communication
between home and school at the beginning of the year.
However I will say that this site is American, so some content is not relevant. As well the holiday activities
tend to lean towards traditional Christian celebrations. For ideas surrounding multicultural traditions, you
may have to visit another site.
The Jan Brett website is a superb accompaniment to any Jan Brett book which you may be using in your
classroom. There are plenty of fun colouring sheets, activities and classroom resources. It is especially
helpful for Kindergarten classrooms because the alphabet activities are centered on cute drawings of
animals and characters, which make them fun. As well, you can print off things for your bulletin boards,
doorways, and labels for supplies. Obviously the downfall is that most of the resources are only applicable
to Jan Brett literature, but some can be used regardless of what books you are reading in your class.
On this site there are plenty of great suggestions for teaching a JK/SK class. Each of the suggestions is
broken down into the subject areas, and broken down further into subcategories. The suggestions are very
specific and very implementable. Pictures are included and the ideas are fun for the students and the
teacher. This one is very thorough in its explanations.
This is a free interactive website designed to teach children to read with phonics.
It offers games and interactive books as well as a teacher's area including print
outs and other classroom resources. This is an excellent site that is particularly
useful as a recommendation for parents to use with their children at home.
This is a Peel District School Board website that provides a database of math
games and activities with their online links. It is extremely useful as they have
been sorted by the math strands and objects of the Ontario Curriculum. This site
is useful for kindergarten, but for all other grades as well.
This site provides a wide range of links for Kindergarten (and other) resources.
Whether you are looking for lesson ideas, computer games, or Holiday links there
seems to be a bit of everything.
This is one of a number of online book sites. I suppose we could get into a discussion about how much
"screen time" is appropriate for 4 and 5 year olds.
This is a link to the ELECT document. Early Learning for Every Child Today, written by the Best Start Expert
Panel on Early Learning. My understanding is that much of the new full-day learning program will be based
on this document.
This link takes you to ETFOs Kindergarten page, where you can access blogs and articles about
Kindergarten. I believe that teachers of all grades need to keep up-to-date on current issues.
My first website is You Tube at www.voutube.com . I know that many of you will be skeptical
about this website but just check out these links. The first link is a video with a song called
counting to 100. As you know children love to learn in song. My students request the song
every day. The second song is someone reading Robert Munch's I Love You Forever. The third
one is Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar where someone has animated the book. The
last one is Old Macdonald in animation. You can search any nursery rhyme and many high
quality picture book titles and often you can find some vocals and animation. This is a great
place to refresh you memory of tunes of popular children's songs. I often search youtube when I
find a picture book with music at the back and I don't know or can't remember the tune. You do
need to preview them as there are some really wacky videos posted. You can download these
videos using downloader helper and put them on a memory stick if this site is blocked in your
board.
http://www.youtube.comlwatch ?v=6z-oBkg.140w I Love You Forever
http://www.youtube.comlwatch ?v—DTDvSj3MLIM Eric Carle-The Very Hungry Caterpiller
hup://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7 mol6B9z0O&NR=1 Old MacDonald
Websites I found useful are:
This website has great worksheets for students to learn how to print and learn letters.
This website has great games and is a good tool for teachers.
This website is good for computer time and has great games on Number and Letter learning.
This is a fantastic resource to build literacy skills with students of all ages. The downfall is that
you need to have a subscription to access all of the material. You can use this website to build
your classroom library or to use for take home reading programs. There are books you can use
for guided reading, phonics, vocabulary, fluency, poetry, alphabet, and assessment. The cost is
about $90/year but definitely worth it! I have used the high frequency words with my students
during our morning message (they have to find the right word to put into the sentence). The
students enjoyed the alphabet chants at home with their parents (they would circle all the words
that would have the letter of the week) and also read the letter of the week book.
(I have attached an alphabet chant)
Yet another site you need to pay for and not Canadian... it is $75/year for a family membership
(or $150/year for Brainpop Jr and Brainpop). You can get a free 7-day trial to see if you fall in
love with it as well! They have movies and activities based on science, health, reading &
writing. social studies, math, and arts & technology. You can access some of the movies without
a subscription. The movies are great (some may be above the kindergarten level but the ). If you
were using an LCD projector or SmartBoard you could enjoy some of the movies together and
discuss what is going on. The nice thing about BrainPop Jr is the "Grown lips Guide" which can
give you some background knowledge on the subject if you need to refresh your memory 0
Annie and Moby are quite enjoyable for the kids to watch. The questions that they ask during
the movie could be a good start to shared writing.
I have used this website for my word wall, math stations, letter/number formation, class signs,
etc. This website is free; however, because it is a UK site, not all the language matches what we
would say. There are numerous resources that you could use for classroom management to play-
doh mats. This really is a website you need to explore to see what works for you!
2iraz a b chant.pdf (17.66 KB)
Here's my third site:
httpill_www.busy_teacherscafe.corn/
This site has printable resources for language, math, management and organization and graphic organizers.
It also has links to a plethora of themes as well as other resources. Though I use it in kindergarten, it would
be appropriate for primary and junior grades.... sorry about the american content.... but it is still helpful.
Check out the Kids Lab Video Lessons about half way down the page. They are such a great tool to use if
you have an ELL student in your classroom and want to provide them when time to improve and develop
their English. You can set them up at the computer to watch a video clip and then there are worksheets and
quizzes that align with the video. Very beneficial.
This site is good because it is Canadian. I like how they have manipulable forms and worksheets so you can
customize them on the computer and print them out for your use. They have awards and certificates that
can be customized. Basically this site provides many resources that can be helpful for saving time and
creating variety. It's a great tool for getting organized or if you need some information on behavioural
management or getting an IEP started.
This site looks really useful because it is so kid friendly. They have many games to choose from that have
educational purposes. It could be used for free time or you could have all students doing the same activity in
the computer lab.
A site chock full of free theme units word puzzles, writing forms, math, ideas and lessons. It has been useful
for health such as dental hygiene. It turns an otherwise unexciting subject into a fun one. There are also
several good themes for each month. Although it is somewhat geased towards American themes, there are
also alot that we can use.
I have limited resources and supplies as we are on a very tight budget. This site has several activities that I
can printout whenever I need them. Anything from printing to reading to numbers. A very useful resource.
Kids can work individually with head phones and listen to the story while they read it. They enjoy retelling
the story. Since they have it memorized quickly they get a confidence boost when it comes to reading it
back.
This site may seem odd as it is a small page, but it was recommended to me by a kinder teacher I work
with. The site discusses the background knowledge of Balanced literacy. I chose to add it as it is full of
research and great information you can back with reference. Sometimes we need brief descriptions to help
us out.
I was told about this site while in teacher college in Scotland and have used it many times. There are many
free printables, classroom design decorations and labels, tips on behaviour management, etc. Although the
curriculum is different than ours (I love their curriculum so much!) I still find the resources very useful.
THey are bright and colourful and different than what students may be used to. I have used the printable
masks for plays in different grades.
I have not used this site, but came across this in my search. It is a math based site, which is nice because I
find those are sometimes few and far between. I think this site would work best for one on one work with a
teacher, parent or classroom volunteer as the kinder activities can be quite wordy. The activities are fun
though. I also like that there are activities teaching students about position (inside, outside, between, ontop,
etc), comparing and money. As I said, best done with an adult though. :)
www.hubbardwupboard.org This website offers ideas for classroom organization and set up, themes by
the month, sample kindergarten schedules, curriculum based activities, centre ideas (and lots more stuff
it's like an ideal kindergarten classroom online!)
Intp://exchange.smarnech.com Full lesson plans, resources and units for use with a smart board. Most
lesson plans are sorted by grade level with grade appropriate activities and there is a section for
standards-correlated lessons (USA based, but still relevant, just more leg work to make them work) There
is also a discussion board for sharing ideas and asking questions.
www.ivestironclequoitorolinservice/Templates%2Ofor%20Teachers.htin A HUGE collection of templates
for everything in your classroom. I used this all the time as a grade 8 teacher, but there are tons of things
for all grade levels. My favorite part of this website is that all the templates are Microsoft Word
documents, so as long as you have Word on your computer the templates can be completely manipulated.
Check out the Kids Lab Video Lessons about half way down the page. They are such a great tool to use if
you have an ELL student in your classroom and want to provide them when time to improve and develop
their English. You can set them up at the computer to watch a video clip and then there are worksheets and
quizzes that align with the video. Very beneficial.
This site is good because it is Canadian. I like how they have manipulable forms and worksheets so you can
customize them on the computer and print them out for your use. They have awards and certificates that
can be customized. Basically this site provides many resources that can be helpful for saving time and
creating variety. It's a great tool for getting organized or if you need some information on behavioural
management or getting an IEP started.
This site looks really useful because it is so kid friendly. They have many games to choose from that have
educational purposes. It could be used for free time or you could have all students doing the same activity in
the computer lab.
The first: www.learnnowbc.cais a site that has Millie's Math House, Bailey's Book House, Sammy's Science
House ( a huge hit with the boys) and Trudy's Time Place. These activity sites are in several schools
already, but if not available on your systems, then this is the site to visit. There are multiple activities in
each "house" that focus on very specific subjects. Instructions are presented in audio and text. Built with
bright colours and easy to navigate. They've been around a long time (my nephew is 19 now and
remembers using them in kindergarten, too.)
The second: www.makinglearningfun.comis a site more for teachers. There are lessons, circle activities
and printables in both B&W and Colour. No fee. Links for seasonal, thematic and popular story ideas. Just
made a set of "clink" cans for the "Seals on the Bus" story. (uses coffee can and metal frozen juice lids
with images taped on. Label available for the can, too. Use the coffee lid to keep all the parts together.
Kids love the "clink" noise when they drop the juice lids into the can for sequencing activities.)
Number three: www.robertmunsch.comofficial site. Students can listen to Robert Munsch himself read
them a story. Also pages with letters written by kids to him and an "art gallery" of pictures submitted by
children. Very cool.
The extra: www.bbc.co.uk/schoolsibitesizurimary/the KS1 (key stage 1) matches some of the
expectations for kindergarten students. Other sections are a bit ahead of them--closer to gr. 1 & 2--but
then, if you have an advanced student in your class, they will enjoy the extra challenge. Problems with
this site. Molly's use of smoke signals to send the correct phonetic response to a neighbouring "tribe"
member and the use of what might be seen as stereotypical aboriginal costumes/behaviours could be
upsetting to Canadians (it is a British site). Also, Numeracy section contains some flickering images that
could be a problem for those with photosensitive epilepsy...but at least they warn users...not all sites do.
This site also contains so extremely useful and most excellent literacy, numeracy, scientific and historic
lessons for junior grades as well. Really, it is a "must see" site:)
Websites for this age group are something that I have never needed before, but here are three that I
found that I liked and that may be useful:
This website contains several resources for teachers that can be accessed with the purchase of a
$20/year membership. The resources include thematic units where worksheets and activities can be
printed off. While the top of the page contains mostly print out activities, the bottom contains
activities by subject and unit. The only thing that I did not like about this page was the need for a
membership. I did like that you could look at the resource quality before becoming a member though,
allowing for an informed decision.
-
This website contains free activity ideas and worksheets. As I am not the most creative individual, I find
websites that give me ideas for crafts and art projects invaluable. This website provides activities and
worksheets for other grades as well, and in addition to craft ideas includes ideas for reading, math and
other subject areas.
This website includes several games that children can play geared towards building a wide a variety of
skills. I liked the wide variety of activity options, but also the ease of use of the website. Unlike some
websites that contain children's games, this one does not have any links on the page that could send
children to sites that were not intended for their use.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

诚之:儿童情绪教育

诚之:儿童情绪教育 (ZT)

来源: paleorchid 于 2008-02-28 14:38:31 [档案] [博客旧帖] [转至博客] [给我悄悄话] 本文已被阅读:380次
情绪智力”指的是认识自己的情绪、克制冲动、延迟满足、自我激励,认识他人的情绪,以及正确处理人际关系的能力等。EQ比IQ重要
「望子成龙、望女成凤」是每一个父母的期望。许多华人远渡重洋,目的就是希望子女能在这块自由的土地上,拥抱成功。我们都希望自己的下一代品性端正、有责任感,能发挥自己的才华、对社会有贡献,懂得享受生命、尊重生命,有良好的人际关系和成功的婚姻,如果可能,也能够成为优秀的父母亲。
过去几年,“人生的成就与EQ(情绪智数)的关系远大于IQ(智力商数)”的观念经过‘EQ-Emotional Intelligence’一书的推广已经深植人心。身为一个小儿科医师,在临床上看到许多小孩面对相同的情境(例如打针)有着天壤之别的反应。我还深深记得我在当第一年住院医师时,有一位母亲与她五岁小孩的互动。她的小孩罹患气喘,必须接受点滴注射。她很慈祥的向他解说打针的步骤,告诉他打针一定会有点痛,但是因为你生病了,医生必须用这个办法才能帮助你。他同意了。只见那五岁的小孩眼中含着眼泪,但是很勇敢地接受我将注射筒戳入他的血管,没有一丝挣扎,过程顺利极了﹐令我吃惊异常,这么小的孩子就有此等的自制力﹗那是我第一次感受到情绪教育的威力(当时我还不知道有情绪教育这回事)。此后,我见过无数个比那个孩子大的小孩,在打针时需要动用四、五个大人暴力式的约束,才肯就范的情境。现在我终于明白个中的道理,除了小孩自己天生的气质之外,孩子的行为与父母的教养态度有着最直接的关系(别忘了孩子是我们的一面镜子﹗)。
懂得情绪教育的父母教育出来的小孩会控制自己的情绪,他们的父母会用一些安慰的字眼与简单的技巧,帮助小孩很快地转化负面的情绪(例如恐惧),平静下来,正确的处理问题。没有受过情绪教育的孩子,就任凭情绪泛滥,作出许多「使性子」的事,然后一旁生气的父母大声斥责,双方都受尽折磨。其中的秘诀在于父母在孩子情绪激动时懂得如何与孩子互动,将关怀化为一些「情绪辅导」的技巧。虽然有些父母天生就是很好的情绪教练,但是绝大多数的父母都需要练习才能熟练这些技巧,不断的学习才能让自己成为一个称职的现代父母。
什么是情绪辅导﹖
情绪辅导是以情感的交流为基础,当父母以同理心来面对小孩,尊重小孩的情绪,帮助他们认识、处理负面的情绪(例如愤怒、悲伤、恐惧、焦虑、嫉妒等)时,父母与孩子间就可以建立起沟通的桥梁﹔当父母与孩子间有了真正的互动,孩子自然会与父母建立强烈的情感链接,他们会内化家庭规范、价值观成为自己人格的一部分 ﹔会明了父母对自己的期望,将它转化为力争上游的动力。受过良好情绪辅导的小孩(即具有情绪智力的小孩),对情绪压力有良好的自主力(即对于自主神经系统具有高度的调整能力﹐用较通俗的话说就是能有效地管理压力荷尔蒙good adrenaline-management ability),并且能很快地走出负面情绪的阴影。这些孩子善于安慰自己、集中注意力,必要时能克制自己的行为。透过情绪辅导,孩子们也能学会观察他人的情绪,互相倾听,设身处地为他人着想,以同理心思考,建立正确的社交技巧,拥有良好的人际关系。
先认识自己的养育作风
要养育具有情绪智力的小孩,必须先了解自己处理情绪的方式及对子女的影响。现代儿童发展心理学将父母的教养态度归纳为忽视型、反对型、放任型、及情绪辅导型等四型。特征如下﹕
一、 忽视型﹕
.忽视、否认、或淡化孩子的负面情绪(“不要难过﹗”“没什么好怕的﹗”“有那么严重吗﹖”)
.想要孩子的负面情绪很快消失(“不要哭了﹗没什么好哭的﹗”)
.用分散注意力的方法来制止小孩的负面情绪(孩子伤心时用糖果、冰淇淋让他高兴)
.低估孩子的情绪,将导致孩子情绪的事件轻描淡写(“她才不过四岁,没什么大不了的吗” ﹐“妳需要为这种小事担心吗﹖”)
.认为孩子的负面情绪只是一种姿态而不去处理
.重视如何「渡过」情绪,忽略情绪本身的意义 (“那可爱的微笑哪里去了﹖” ﹐“赶快笑一个﹗”)
.对孩子尝试沟通的事情不表现兴趣(“囝仔有耳没嘴”)
.认为小孩的情绪是不理性的(“没什么好害怕的吗﹗” ﹐“不要像个baby 一样﹗”)
【对小孩的影响】﹕他们会认为自己的感觉是不对的、没有根据的、有害的﹔他们会以为自己有毛病才会有这些负面的感觉﹔将来在认识、调整自己的情绪上会有困难。
二、 反对型﹕
.类似上一型,但表现方式更为负面
.批评、嘲笑、训戒、惩罚、孩子的情绪表达
.只处罚孩子发泄情绪的行为,而不去尝试了解他们的情绪
.采取激烈的手段来应付闹情绪的行为
.认为情绪表现使人软弱,或浪费时间,禁止小孩表现情绪
.认为情绪的表达要有时间限制,超过时就给予处罚 (“再哭,我就不理你了”﹔“再哭,我就要打你了﹗”)
【对小孩的影响】﹕与忽视型相同
三、 放任型﹕
.全盘接受孩子所有的情绪表现
.认为只要释放情绪,就大功告成了,不需要帮助孩子解决问题
.纵容孩子表达不适当或不受约束的情绪,不教导孩子解决问题的方法
.不提供行为的指引,或不严格执行设定的规矩
.认为错误的行为会随着年龄增长而改善,不必要在小的时候给予过多的纠正
【对小孩的影响】﹕无法学会调整自己的情绪,缺乏自主力,在结交朋友时会有困难。
四、 情绪辅导型﹕
.重视孩子的负面情绪,善于利用这些情绪性的时刻作为灌输孩子生活意义和与其建立更亲密关系的机会。
.能耐心地对待忧伤、愤怒、害怕的小孩,不容易对小孩的情绪表现不耐烦。
.尊重并接受孩子的情绪,不嘲笑或否定孩子的负面情绪。
.不会告诉孩子什么感觉才是「应该的」或「对的」
.当自己出现情绪失控时,会勇于道歉,并利用此机会教育小孩处理情绪的技巧。
.在情绪性的时刻会﹕倾听孩子的心声、以关爱的态度表达同理心、帮助孩子标示正在发泄的情绪、规范不适当行为的限度、提供调整情绪的方法、寻找合适的发泄管道、教导解决问题的技巧。
【对小孩的影响】﹕他们学会相信自己的感觉,调整自己的情绪,解决问题。他们有自信、具备良好的学习能力,能与他人相处融洽。
请记得,不是因为有爱就会有情绪辅导的能力,但是只要肯学,每一个父母都能成为一位出色的情绪教练,帮助子女成长。也许你会发现自己无法归类为上述的某一型,甚或大多数的家长会认为自己是混合型,多少采用了其中某一型的方式来教养小孩。不过,有了大概的分类,应该有助于厘清你的教养态度。清楚的认识自己的教养风格,才能采取正确的步骤让我们进行情绪教育的过程。以下开始为各位介绍情绪辅导的方法。
同理心是情绪辅导的基础
同理心(cognitive empathy)就是了解他人的感受。一个有同理心的父母能设身处地感受孩子的各种情绪,看到孩子生气地跺脚,能感受他们的愤怒与受挫﹔看到他们哭泣,能想象他们的处境、感受他们的悲伤。如果我们能让孩子感受到这种亲密的情绪了解,就可以让孩子视父母为盟友,在人生的每一个阶段愿意与你分享他们的感觉,那么即使在叛逆期,我们也能帮助孩子渡过重重障碍与危机,不至于迷失方向。
同理心所以能发挥这么大的效用,是因为当我们很努力地了解孩子的感受时,他们会感到一股支持的力量,知道我们在他们的身旁。如果我们不去批评他们,不轻视他们的情绪,不尝试转移他们的意见,孩子就会让我们进入他们的世界。当有一天他们遇到困难时,他们会愿意信赖我们,让我们知道他们真正的想法,甚至听取我们的意见,一起动脑筋解决问题。这听起来似乎是天方夜谭,但事实就是如此,当然这需要不断地练习,才能掌握其中的技巧。
情绪辅导的五个步骤
步驟一、 觉察情绪
正确的觉察情绪是情绪辅导的第一步。觉察情绪包括认识自己的情绪和解读孩子的情绪。中国文化是一个不鼓励人表现情绪的文化,长期压抑的结果使得中国的父母容易有情绪失控的危险。我们倾向于不在孩子面前表达情绪,即使有时因为过度发脾气而做出或说出伤害小孩的事,也不习惯在小孩面前承认自己的错误,以为如此就会失去做父母的尊严。中国的父母对家庭中常见的负面情绪也很少给予重视,因此我们很少在「原生家庭」里学到处理情绪的能力。但是这并不意味我们不能学习,终身都会受到这个不良的影响,也不意味我们永远不能觉察自己的情绪与感知孩子的情感。
父母最好能明白,人都有情绪,当小孩的行为让你气的快要发疯的时候,难免要发脾气。但是我们必须觉察自己的情绪,如果自己还能克制得住,能够继续理性地与孩子说话,达到某种程度的沟通,那就继续下去。告诉孩子你的想法,倾听他的响应,并继续交谈。但是假使你发现自己在盛怒之中,无法冷静下来,就应该暂时回避一下,避免做出伤害小孩的动作或言语。
父母也必须了解,发脾气并不是你的缺点。重点是你发泄的方式不会破坏你们之间的关系,即使偶尔犯错,我们也可以相信宽恕的力量。从三、四岁起,孩子们就明白「对不起」的概念,他们都渴望来自父母的亲近与温暖,他们永远会给父母另一个的机会。在事件发生后马上告诉他们事情前后我们的感受,承认自己的错误,更有助于在你们之间建立起情感的桥梁。如此,你可以送出两个清楚的讯息,即强烈的情绪是可以表达的,而且是可以控制的﹔其次,你很在意他的行为。只要你以尊敬的态度去沟通,专注于他的行为而不是他的个性,给予明确的评语并告诉他他的行为如何地影响你,你就可以运用你的愤怒来引发他的情感,而这个机会就成为你们之间一次深刻的情感交流。当然,要培养觉察情绪的能力不是一蹴可及的。但是只要开始练习,马上会看到正面的效果。
如何解读孩子行为背后隐藏的情绪讯息呢﹖由于孩子往往不会直接、正面的表达他们的感受,大人常感到迷惑,不知道他们真正的本意。一个最基本的做法是设身处地的从他们的观点来看事情,而不要从大人的观点,妄下结论。比较小的孩子,则可以藉由伴家家酒的角色扮演或木偶游戏中探知他们的情绪。
当孩子同意你对他的情绪描述时﹐你会感到自己的心与孩子的心紧密的结合在一起,你就体验了同理心,也就是情绪辅导的基础。当你在这种情形下与孩子相处时,你就可以采取下一个步骤了。
步驟二、 认知情绪产生的时刻是亲近及教导的一个机会
心理学的知识告诉我们,小孩伤心、生气或害怕的时候,最需要他的父母。这些感性的时刻,是小孩的心灵寻求帮助的时机,也是父母亲最能接近他们内心的机会,教育学者称之为“teachable moment”。善于情绪辅导的家长会抓紧每一个这种片段,教导小孩学习安慰自己、掌握情绪变化的技巧,让他们终身受用。
如果我们能让小孩预先演练生活中可能发生的情境,引导小孩的可能情绪反应,往往可以避免临时爆发的情绪。例如你四岁的孩子明天要去打预防针或要去看牙医,你可以在前一天与小孩探讨恐惧的感觉,不要等到孩子进入诊所后才在那儿大发脾气﹔你十二岁的儿子一直妒忌他的朋友进入了他一直渴望进入的棒球队,你最好引导他讨论他的感受,不要让这两个孩子往后在学校里不断地争吵。
步驟三、 以同理心去倾听并肯定孩子的感受
一旦你了解情绪产生的时刻是建立感情及教导解决问题的机会,就可以开始以同理心去倾听,这是情绪辅导过程中最重要的一个步骤。当然你没有必要也不一定每次都有空处理小孩的情绪,但是如果你决定要进行情绪辅导,就必须拋开手边的事,专心、真诚地聆听。如果你当时没有时间,也必须坦白告诉孩子,不要存着应付的心态。
同理心的倾听不单指用耳朵来听,更要用心去感同身受孩子的情绪状况。以安抚、非批评性的语言响应所听到的和所留意到的事情,让孩子感受到你在仔细倾听、知道你所接收到的是正确的讯息。以下举个例子﹕
十岁的亚当很兴奋地骑着新脚踏车。他以前骑的那辆车还很新,只是太小了,所以爸爸答应送他一部新的,旧的则可以给他七岁的弟弟诺亚继续用。诺亚早就厌倦了另一辆更旧的脚踏车,也颇期待他可以从哥哥那里接受一辆比较新的脚踏车,所以同意了这样的安排。但是等到诺亚看到那辆全新的脚踏车,再加以比较后,「新愁旧恨」便拥上心头,很生气地提出抗议:「每次哥哥都可以用新的﹗不公平﹗」假使爸爸用典型的方式响应,他一定会说:「你生什么气,你不是早就答应了吗﹖」虽然这样的指责有根据,但它无法说明诺亚当时的感受。现在,除了对新脚踏车的妒忌之外,诺亚又多了一层不被了解的愤怒。现在想象他爸爸用一句简单的话来作响应:「你觉得不公平﹐因为你每次都只能用哥哥用过的东西﹗」诺亚就会有完全不同的感受,他可能会想﹕「对呀﹗就是如此,虽然我曾经答应先前的安排,但是我还是感到不太公平,我也很嫉妒哥哥的新脚踏车。不过,爸爸了解我的感受。」如此,孩子就比较愿意接受你进一步的解释。
在辅导的过程中,当我们大概猜出孩子行为背后所隐藏的情绪时,不必急着发问,只要反映你所留意到的事。「你为何感到伤心」就不如「今天你看起来不太开心」或「我留意到当我问你有关学校的事情时,你的脸怪怪的」,然后等他的反应,来得恰当。
另外,避免问一些你已经知道答案的问题,如「作晚你几点回到家的﹖」、「是谁摔破了这盏灯﹖」这些都有不信任和设圈套的语气,好象你给他们撒谎的机会。最好用直接明确的观察作为对话的起头,如「你昨晚大约过了一点才回来,我不认为这是可以被接受的」、「我知道你摔破了这盏灯,而我感到失望」。
告诉孩子你亲身的经历也是说明你能了解他们感受的有效办法。就以诺亚的例子来说,他的爸爸可以说:「我小的时候,也常用我哥哥姐姐用过的东西」。这可以让诺亚确信他的感觉是有根据的,连他的爸爸也有同样的感觉。由于他感到被人了解,也就能接受父亲安抚的解释:「我也可以现在就再买一辆新的给你,但是旧的那辆还很新,丢掉了很可惜。不如我们把这些钱存起来,等你长大时再给你买辆更大的﹗」
步驟四、 帮助孩子描述他们的情绪
情绪辅导里一个简单却十分重要的步骤,就是当孩子有情绪反应时,帮助他们去描述这情绪。当我们提供一些字眼如紧张、担心、害怕、生气、难过、嫉妒来描述孩子的情绪时,可以帮助孩子将一种无形的、令人恐慌的、不舒适的感觉转换成一些可以被定义的、有界限、而且是正常生活一部分的东西。孩子会明了,每个人都会经历这些感觉,而且每个人都可以处理。
研究显示,描述情绪的行为对神经系统有安抚的效果,能帮助孩子从不安的事件中较快恢复过来。那些在孩童期就熟练平复情绪的技巧者较能专心,有较好的平辈关系、较优的成绩及较佳的生理状况。
帮助孩子描述他们的情绪,不是尝试告诉他们应该有的感觉,只是单纯的帮助他们发展一些表达他们情绪的字汇。我们应想办法帮助他们说中要害。譬如当他生气时,他可能也感到失意、愤怒、混乱、被叛离、或嫉妒﹔当他难过时,也可能感到伤害、被排斥、妒忌、空虚、沮丧。帮助孩子使用愈精确的语词描绘他们的感受,他们愈不会感到被忽略或被误解,也愈容易接受你的介入与辅导。
步驟五、 设立规范并帮助他们解决问题
(恭喜你,如果你从头读到这里,你一定是个具有情绪智力的人,因为那是需要一点耐心与恒心的)
当小孩已经允许你自己进入他们的情绪之中,你自然会发现你已经被引入一个解决问题的过程中。这个过程也大约包含了五个步骤﹕(1) 设立规范﹔ (2) 确定问题的所在﹔ (3) 思考可能的解答﹔ (4) 根据你们家庭的价值观,评估可能的解答﹔ (5) 帮助孩子选择一个解答
# 设立规范
孩子常以不适当的行为来表达负面的情绪,如吼叫、骂脏话、摔东西、打人等。父母在了解行为背后代表的情绪并帮助他们描述感觉后,就可以让孩子明白我们尊重他们所有的情绪,但不是所有的行为都是恰当的,更有许多行为是不能被容忍的。然后,父母可以指导孩子想出一些较适当的方法来处理负面的情绪。
父母必须明白,我们要规范的是不当的行为,而不是他们的情绪。孩子对伤心、害怕、愤怒的情绪,不会因为父母说:「不要哭啦﹗」或者﹕「你不应该有这样的感觉」而消散。指导孩子应该有什么样的感觉,只会让他们不信赖自己真正的感受,而产生对自我的怀疑,丧失自尊心。相反的,如果我们告诉孩子有权利拥有自己的感觉,但可以用更好的方法来表达,孩子的性格、自信和自尊就不会受到扭曲或伤害。
什么样的行为应该规范呢﹖父母必须根据自己的价值判断来规范孩子的行为,没有一定的答案。一个普遍的原则就是破坏性、危险性、侵犯到他人权益的行为绝对不能予以宽容。孩子气的行为,如蹦蹦跳跳、弄脏衣服、爬树,则应该视孩子的年龄给予尊重,因为这些行为会带给小孩信心并增强他们表达情绪和思考的能力。
对不适当的行为设立规范时,家长应该让小孩知道遵从或违反了这些规定的后果。好的行为可以获得正面的鼓励、赞扬、奖赏或某些权利;不当的行为则会被剥夺权利或处罚。当父母能前后一致(consistent)、公平地执行这些规定,让孩子清楚地知道界限。前后一致是个很重要的原则,孩子不会因为你的反复无常而不知所措、甚至察言观色地遵守你的规则﹔让孩子知道这些规则不会因为你的情绪而变化,他们才会视父母为公平、可靠的盟友,孩子也比较能与父母共同解决问题。
三岁到八岁间的小孩,「暂停」(time-out)是一个很常用的处罚方法。正确的方式是孩子被短暂地隔离,被剥夺平时可以享受的权利。这个方法通常可以有效地帮助小孩停止不良的行为。但是许多父母在使用这个方法时,除了将孩子隔离外,还加上粗暴的言行,让孩子感到被排斥和被侮辱。所以在使用这个方法时要十分小心,应尽力避免损伤小孩的人格。
许多父母仍采用「打」的方式来管教小孩,它不必经由讨论,立刻就制止了不当的行为。这似乎十分有效,立竿而见影,但是它却剥夺了孩子学习自我控制和解决问题的机会。长期而言,孩子会感到愤愤不平并怨恨父母。被打之后,孩子多半比较会想到报复而非自我改进,被羞辱的感觉也可能使他们学会说谎、否认作错事,或找出各种方法避免被逮到,而不是停止错误的行为本身。打小孩也成为一种错误示范,给孩子错误印象,认为暴力也是解决问题的一种方法。因此,现代的儿童教育学家早已放弃这种教育方式,聪明的现代父母也应该学习使用其它的方式来教养小孩。
#确定问题的所在
当父母以同理心去倾听,对情绪作描述,并对不适宜的行为设限后,下一步通常是确定引发此情绪的问题所在。有时候孩子仍需要一些时间来表达他们的情感,就应继续抱持着同理心,描述感觉,并不时反映你的所见所闻。一些开放性的问题可以帮助孩子找出原因,例如:「你觉得什么事情让你伤心(或生气、焦虑)﹖」、「今天发生了什么事﹖」
要确定问题的所在,必须询问孩子他想解决这个问题的那一个面向。通常答案是很简单的,他想把积木堆好,他想解答一题复杂的数学题。其它状况可能需要解说。譬如,在跟妹妹吵架后,他需要决定是报复好还是寻找避免以后争吵的办法;有时候是无解的问题,如宠物死了、好朋友搬家了、没能被选入校队等,这时候孩子闹情绪的目的可能只是单纯地发泄情绪或寻求安慰。
#思考可能的解答
与孩子一起讨论解决问题的办法,应该鼓励他们自己想出对策,避免越俎代庖。
十岁以下的小孩不善于抽象思考,父母的意见可能具有决定性的影响。他们的世界通常是黑白分明的,因此可以假设两种对立的解决办法﹐一个代表「好的」,另一个代表「坏的」。例如,两个布偶为了一个玩具而争吵。在第一幕里,一个布偶未经同意就从另一个布偶手里抢走玩具﹔在第二幕里,一个布偶提议轮流玩玩具。
较大的孩子,可以采用「脑力激荡」的方式,和孩子一起想尽各种办法。可以告诉孩子,只要想得出来的办法都不算愚蠢,都可以列在办法清单中。到最后才从所有的办法中去除一些不适宜的。让孩子感觉自己对这个过程的认真。
#根据你们家庭的价值观,评估可能的解答
当你们列出了可能的方案后,就是检查每一解答的时候了。鼓励孩子针对每个解答提出一些问题如:「这个解答公平吗﹖」「这个解答有效吗﹖」「我会感觉怎样﹖其它人又会感觉如何」。这是必经的训练,可以和孩子共同探讨为何要对某些行为设立规范,这类对话也提供家长增强家庭价值观的机会
#帮助孩子选择一个解答
一旦你和孩子讨论完各种意见,可以鼓励他选择一种或数种方法进行尝试。你可以在此时提出你的看法,不必避讳告诉孩子你年轻时如何处理类似的问题、你从经验中学到什么、你犯了什么错误、什么决定让你自豪。在帮助他们解决困难当中灌输他们你的价值观,比单纯地讲解与孩子日常生活无关的抽象概念要来得有效。
虽然你想帮孩子作最好的决定,但切记他们从错误中也能学习。假如你的孩子选择一个你知道行不通但是无害的方法时,你不妨让他尝试一下。假使真的失败了,再鼓励他朝另一个方向发展。
一旦孩子做了一个选择,帮助他以具体计划达成目标。在实施的过程中也可以根据实施的成效,隔一段时间进行修正。
当孩子选择了一个行不通的办法时,帮助他们分析失败的原因。之后,你可以重新讨论解决的办法。这样可以让孩子了解一个方案的取消并不表示这番努力是白费的,让他们明白这只是学习过程的一部份,每一次的调整只会让他们更接近成功。
更多的技巧
#避免过度吹毛求疵、侮辱或嘲弄
使用嘲笑、侮辱性的字眼,或吹毛求疵会严重破坏亲子关系及损伤孩子的自尊心。例如,语气轻蔑地重复孩子的解释。孩子﹕「我不记得那件事。」。父母轻蔑地回答﹕「你不记得﹖」
孩子在玩电动玩具,一些父母会对孩子犯的错误过度反应,用批评的话嘲笑孩子,使他们难堪,甚至把孩子推开,接管游戏。这些行为表达了他们对孩子的不信任,让孩子觉得自己好象很无能。这样的情景是随处可见的,好心的家长不自觉地、不断地矫正孩子的行为,嘲弄他们的错误。在孩子执行最简单的任务时,不必要地介入,这样只会削减他们的自信。
纠正孩子时,应针对当时的特定事件,避免全面的批评。例如﹕「你的房间很脏乱」,而非:「你怎么这么脏,房间老是这么乱」;「你如果说大声些,别人会听得更清楚」而非﹕「讲大声点,你太胆小了﹗」
父母们应该随时注意自己的话语中是否潜藏着的无心的批评或讽刺。要留意不要寻孩子开心(「凯文是我们家的小瓜呆」),避免在人格上贴卷标(「佳佳很顽皮、像个过动儿」、「凯莉太内向」、「比尔是个懒惰虫」)。孩子都希望从父母身上得到认同及肯定,他们很容易相信父母给他们的评语。过度批评、戏谑、侮辱会让孩子失去对父母的信任与亲密感,也使倾听失去意义,无法进一步解决问题。
#使用「鹰架」技巧来赞许及辅导
当我们要给孩子指导时,父母应该先以一种平缓的态度给予足够的信息,然后针对他们的行为给予特定而非全面的称赞(如﹕你做的乐高飞机好棒呀﹗而非﹕你真的太聪明了﹗)﹔在赞扬之后,可以给予一些指导,重复这些步骤,直到问题解决。这种技巧称为「鹰架」(scaffolding),即利用每一次的小成功来增进孩子的信心,帮助他推进到下个阶段。利用这些架构,可以帮助孩子解决生活中复杂的问题。
#避免「支持敌人」
当孩子受到挫折时,他们渴望从父母处得到同情与支持,那是实施情绪教育的良机。但是父母很容易倾向于与孩子对立的一方,例如老师、教练等。想象一个体重过重的女孩不安的回到家中,因为舞蹈老师对她的体型作了轻率的批评。如果母亲也曾建议她减肥,她很可能告诉那女孩老师是对的,但是这只会火上加油,使女孩更感到难过。但母亲使用「同理心」的技巧,对女儿说:「我对这件事感到难过,妳是不是也觉得困窘、伤心﹖」如此也许就拉近了母女的关系。这位母亲维持对女孩的支持与同理心,过一段时间后,女孩也许就会接受母亲的建议了。
即使父母是孩子对立的目标,同理心也能发挥作用。譬如宣布禁止小孩看电视直到她功课有进步,而她因此发怒。你可以坚持你的原则,说:「我了解妳为何大发脾气。假如我在妳的处境,我也会有同样的感觉」。
发生冲突时,可以用诚实、坦率的态度鼓励孩子表达她的感觉。可以使用一些诱导的方法,如:「我对这件事情的看法可能是错误的,我也不是永远都是对的。我想听听妳的意见。」也许你不习惯这种低姿态,但是如此可以让孩子觉得你是公平且愿意倾听的,不是很值得吗﹖
对话可以增进了解与沟通,不见得每次都为了达成结论或协议。例如,孩子突然声明﹕「九九表很愚蠢」,或「鼻环很好看」,你或许有冲动想长篇大论地对他啰唆,证明他的不对。可是你如果用对话的方式跟他沟通,效果也许更好。你可以如此开头:「我也讨厌背那些乘法表」,「我自己不喜欢鼻环,但为什么你会喜欢﹖」
#先建立同理心,不要火上加油
一个破坏情绪辅导的方法是把你的解决办法告诉还在伤心或愤怒的孩子。想想婚姻中常犯的错误。当太太从公司回来,对于她与同事间的争执感到烦恼。她的丈夫运用理智,很快地分析问题,提出解决的方法。可是妻子不但不感激,情绪反而更低落。这是因为他没有向她表示他明白她现在的心境是伤心、愤怒与沮丧,他只是证明这个问题很容易解决。对妻子而言,这或许意味他认为她不够聪明,或者她认为自己也可以想到这些办法。
如果作丈夫的不是立即提出忠告,而是安抚她的背部,让她感到被保护,一边倾听她详细述说这个问题的来龙去脉以及她对此事的感觉。完毕后,她可能开始构思一些解决的办法。此刻,因为她对配偶有了信任,她很可能会征求他的意见。最后,丈夫就有机会提供他的意见,而妻子也能接受这些建议,不再觉得情绪低落,反而感到来自伴侣的支持与力量。
亲子间的运作也是如此。父母常对无法与孩子分享他们人生的经验与智能而感到失望,孩子不愿意接受他们的忠告,甚至故意反向而行,更使人痛心。但这不是孩子学习的方式。在未有同理心前就提出建议就像是未打地基就要盖房子一样。
#分享孩子的愿望和幻想
这是让自己融入孩子的思路,产生同理心的好办法。譬如,你十几岁的孩子告诉你他想要一辆新的越野脚踏车,但你不确定你是否有这个预算。假如你跟许多没有受过情绪教育的家长一样,第一个冲动可能是感到发怒,你想告诉他﹕「嘿﹗我去年才刚买了一部新的脚踏车,你以为我是印钞票的人吗﹖」但是如果你利用几分钟时间想想他的愿望,并陶醉在他的幻想中,结果又是如何呢﹖或许你会说﹕「对呀,我明白你为何想要一辆越野车,你可以骑在乡野的小径;甚至可以和朋友一起去露营、钓鱼等等」。然后,你可以和他一起分析越野脚踏车的好处与坏处、讨论家庭的预算,并引发他谈论如何自己赚零用钱来买一辆的想法。这个过程最重要的意义就是你让儿子知道你已经听到他的诉求,而你也肯定他和他的愿望了。
#以诚实对待孩子
大多数孩子对父母的话都有第六感,他们可以觉察你是否是真心的。因此,情绪辅导绝不只是重复说「我明白」、「那也让我气疯了」而已,如果你时常口是心非,反而会增加你们之间的裂痕。因此,确定你在说这些话前真的了解孩子,如果不确定,就单纯地反映你的所见所闻。提出一些问题,保持沟通,总之,不要冒充明白。
#过程要有耐心
要成为有效的情绪教练,必须给孩子一些时间去表达情绪,不要不耐烦。孩子伤心时,就让他哭,生气了,可以跺脚。情绪辅导的目的是探究及了解情绪,而非压抑它们。同理心要求我们分享孩子的情绪。当你感到共鸣时,可以说出心里的话:「被朋友欺负也会让我发怒」、「我能了解在我纠正你的时候,你很反感」。有时肢体语言更胜语言的作用,你愿意静静地与孩子坐在一起体验感情的点滴,其意义胜过千言万语﹔一起分享情绪,拥抱或拍拍肩膀有时比谈话更有效,尤其是孩子忧伤或害怕时。
有时候孩子可能还没准备好好讨论这个问题。你必须尊重他的感觉,你可以尝试与他订一个时间尽早讨论。放入你的行程表内,履行诺言并继续追踪这件事。
一旦你努力面对孩子的情绪,你每天都会找到机会以有意义的方式跟他们沟通。经由这些联系,你会建造一个持久、坚固的向心力,那真是你所能给孩子的最佳礼物。
结语
每一个人都爱他们的子女,但是如果只有爱而没有相应的技巧,爱往往会成为孩子们成长的绊脚石。如何去爱,是现代父母必须学习的课题。情绪教育的五个步骤真的能帮助你建立亲子间良性的情感互动,是每一个父母必须学习的技巧。当然,对初学者而言,这些技巧看似很难学习而且烦复,但是只要开始练习,它会变得很自动并且通常很快就可以完成。随着经验的累积,你的孩子也会逐渐学会以这种方式处理问题,解决困难,成为一个情绪成熟的个体。
有兴趣进一步研读的人,请参考“怎样教养高EQ小孩”(How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child)一书,作者是Joan DeClaire & John Gottman。
http://bbs1.creaders.net/rainbow/messages/486226.html